What a sweet, sweet day. As a fellow single lady- you’d think I was being sarcastic. And yet I am completely serious. As I was walking around campus today I was surrounded by people who were head over heels in love, curiously seeking some sort of love or purposely denying the prospect of it. Either way, a day dedicated to love in such a world as we live in, is a pretty good thing in my books. Over thinking can be the death of you- take it from me, a girl who is perpetually scribbling thoughts on any kind of surface- just so I can sort out what’s going on in my head. Who’s to say that Valentine’s day is a bad day, yes there are millions of companies capitalizing on our own stupidity for buying extravagant gifts for those we care about, but how is that any different from Christmas, or Easter. People assume that you can only be happy on Valentines day if you’re in a relationship, on the verge of one or if you’re the girl who says “I don’t care, I’m happy being single because Valentines Day is a hoax”. These boundaries we create are unnecessary, I can be happy today because it’s a Thursday, I’m one day away from spending the weekend with my best friends, I’m hours away from attending a Yule Ball- which in my opinion is one of the coolest things I could do with my time. Optimists look at Valentines as a day to give or receive things, chocolates, candy, flowers- and pessimists look at it as another reminder of what they don’t have. Why must we be either? I’d like to consider myself an opportunist, because I’m going to make today as special as any other day. I’m a happy woman and I can make the best of any day, and an entire day dedicated to be loving towards each other is a definite benefit to mankind. Instead of dwelling on the astounding gifts you’re giving or receiving, on the fact that you may be perpetually alone, momentarily alone or opting to be alone- think of it as a day to practice humanity. Practice being human again, there’s not enough humanity left in our world, not enough real emotions and real people. If we all enthusiastically loved as hard as we try to do on this one day of the year, think of the love we could create- it would be incredible. And the day that this happens, will be a day when humanity becomes whole again and not broken off into categories of loved, unloved or loved and lost. Let’s love as much as we either try to do or try to deny on Valentines day, every day of the year and maybe then we can remember what the true point of this day and more importantly every day, is about. Happy Thursday humanity.
A lot of the time I think we put the blame onto others when we have problems. I mean look at our relationships- things don’t work out, people leave, or stop being who they were and maybe they become who they are, either way it doesn’t matter. Because it doesn’t always work out. We hear that line so often “it’s not you, it’s me” or “it wouldn’t matter if you were any other girl in the world, it’s just not the right time”. All of this is bullshit. It’s just a common courtesy so that we can feel better about ourselves for not wanting the same things. And all those times that we think we know what’s going on between ourselves and those we crave- we’re wrong. We spend some much time criticizing ourselves for whatever the fuck we did wrong- but we didn’t. I’ve come to the realization that maybe they don’t feel the way I want them to feel about me, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me- but rather there’s something wrong with the way I let them feel about me. No one can make me feel inferior or feel like I’m not enough to captivate their attention. If someone is going to want us, desire us or love us, it should be painstakingly evident. They should yearn for us, not every moment of every day- or maybe they should, either way I think it should be clear to both parties what exactly is going on. Do you ever wonder if you’re just not good ‘enough’ for that person in their mind? Maybe you’re right in the account that you shouldn’t be together- but the problem doesn’t lie with faults of your own, the crux of the matter is that you haven’t correctly identified what it is you need in a significant other. I have allowed myself to be loved by people who didn’t have any concern for my well being, I’ve been loved by someone who believed I was the best person in their world- there’s so many different kinds of love, and all of us carry a different brand. I for instance have the kind where I throw myself in with both feet, and this doesn’t always end well for me. I tend to get my heart broken and be viciously under-appreciated but I’ve decided that is just who I am. It’s not you, it’s me- and it’s me that deserves to have someone want me just as much as I want them.
As I grow closer to the end of my time here in Waterloo, I find myself incredibly sentimental about the time I have spent here and all the different ways I have grown. I came here four years ago in love, happy and overall naive about where these years would take me. I’ve loved, lost and felt everything else in between during my years here but I am happy to say that I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I do believe that you cannot truly appreciate happiness until you’ve experienced the bittersweet pain of loss. Losing someone means that you have to start again, create a whole new identity and I have been incredibly fortunate to have such amazing friends around me that helped me through this process, during what feels like so many years ago. I was young- I am young still of course but when you’re experiencing a new city, new friends and a loss of identity, everything can be a little scary. Four years ago I decided that I wanted to become someone new, someone would would appreciate the little things, go for walks on my own, enjoy life as it comes and not worry so much about whether or not I was supposed to be with someone or be somewhere else entirely. I found a new found sense of independence- and I haven’t been able to get enough of it! I’ve spent the last four years spoiling myself in Waterloo, living with some of my best friends in the world and experiencing the “university life”. University has taught me a lot of things- how to deconstruct an extensive passage from Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, how to properly cite multiple works in MLA, APA or Chicago formatting, how to cram twelve weeks of readings into just five or six handwritten notes and even how to function on little to zero sleep. But what I appreciate most in these four years is the lesson that life taught me- to try to find myself amongst so many other lost souls.. I am independent, which doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate being taken care of but what it does mean is that I don’t need someone to take care of me all the time. I think sometimes we settle for something or someone because we believe it’s necessary to be loved all the time but a large part of me believes that it’s difficult to be loved, if you don’t love yourself and who you are when you’re alone. These last four years have brought a lot of changes into my life, some for the better and some for the worse but everything that has happened has lead to me being where I am and for that I am eternally grateful.
“Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go..”
I read this quote a long time ago and it stuck with me because I truly believe that there is a silver lining in everything and all it takes is a sunny disposition to find it. Many people will walk in and out of your life and as you grow up you have to learn how to handle this type of pain. Choose happiness. Choose to be positive when all else fails you. Be the type of person who brings sunshine on a rainy day, not the person who brings the storm but the one who carries an umbrella.
I’ve learned a lot of about letting go in the last couple years and if life has taught me anything it is that people come and go, bringing rain or shine when they do. In four years of university I have met a lot of people- some I don’t think I could live without and some I hope to never see again. Ideally we would meet only those who bring out the best in us, who let us shine while they remain dull or those who we help sparkle when they’re in the limelight. But this isn’t reality, we won’t always be able to tell what kind of person someone is right away and sometimes we’ll never know. The important thing is that we learn to take these situations with a smile and to never let the negatives overwhelm the positives.
People leave and sometimes that’s even harder because they’re choosing to walk out of your life but that is their decision and you will be all the better for it. Instead of dwelling on the reasons it didn’t work out, focus instead on the reasons you’re better because of it.
“Do not deny growing old, it is a privilege denied to many”
Today I wanted to write about a friend of mine who was taken from this world much too early. Three years have passed and I cannot begin to describe to you how much this world misses our angel.. I admit I attempt to block out what happened and try to continue on with my day but if I’m honest with myself I could say that I will never truly accept that she is gone.
She touched all of our lives in ways that we never understood, at least not until she was no longer here to do so.. I grew up knowing she was different, she could make anyone smile, laugh or turn someone’s day around.
I can’t be selfish and wish that she were still here for me, and yet I constantly find myself wishing she were back here.. I want to express my deepest condolences that on this day, for the rest of their lives, B’s family will always remember her last moments with them and that they have to spend eternity waiting to be rejoined with her.
B I wish you all the peace in the world, and I wish I could say something that might help ease the pain of today for everyone, but more importantly I wish three years ago I could have said something that might have helped your pain. Loss isn’t easy, but just know that losing you was the hardest thing for our town to go through, and your death affected every single member of our community. You will never be forgotten, you’ve impacted way too many lives for that. I am sorry that you never got to go on a proper date, attend prom or graduate high school. I am devastated that you will never experience college, or your first true love and that I will never get the opportunity to see you in a beautiful white dress. But you taught me so much about what it truly means to live, and that I should never take anything for granted. I hope that I can make you smile from where you are, and that I’m not letting you down.
The pain of losing you isn’t so immense anymore B, just a tingling reminder to live each day as if it were my last.. as if I never knew what was going to happen tomorrow.