A lot of the time I think we put the blame onto others when we have problems. I mean look at our relationships- things don’t work out, people leave, or stop being who they were and maybe they become who they are, either way it doesn’t matter. Because it doesn’t always work out. We hear that line so often “it’s not you, it’s me” or “it wouldn’t matter if you were any other girl in the world, it’s just not the right time”. All of this is bullshit. It’s just a common courtesy so that we can feel better about ourselves for not wanting the same things. And all those times that we think we know what’s going on between ourselves and those we crave- we’re wrong. We spend some much time criticizing ourselves for whatever the fuck we did wrong- but we didn’t. I’ve come to the realization that maybe they don’t feel the way I want them to feel about me, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me- but rather there’s something wrong with the way I let them feel about me. No one can make me feel inferior or feel like I’m not enough to captivate their attention. If someone is going to want us, desire us or love us, it should be painstakingly evident. They should yearn for us, not every moment of every day- or maybe they should, either way I think it should be clear to both parties what exactly is going on. Do you ever wonder if you’re just not good ‘enough’ for that person in their mind? Maybe you’re right in the account that you shouldn’t be together- but the problem doesn’t lie with faults of your own, the crux of the matter is that you haven’t correctly identified what it is you need in a significant other. I have allowed myself to be loved by people who didn’t have any concern for my well being, I’ve been loved by someone who believed I was the best person in their world- there’s so many different kinds of love, and all of us carry a different brand. I for instance have the kind where I throw myself in with both feet, and this doesn’t always end well for me. I tend to get my heart broken and be viciously under-appreciated but I’ve decided that is just who I am. It’s not you, it’s me- and it’s me that deserves to have someone want me just as much as I want them.
As I grow closer to the end of my time here in Waterloo, I find myself incredibly sentimental about the time I have spent here and all the different ways I have grown. I came here four years ago in love, happy and overall naive about where these years would take me. I’ve loved, lost and felt everything else in between during my years here but I am happy to say that I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I do believe that you cannot truly appreciate happiness until you’ve experienced the bittersweet pain of loss. Losing someone means that you have to start again, create a whole new identity and I have been incredibly fortunate to have such amazing friends around me that helped me through this process, during what feels like so many years ago. I was young- I am young still of course but when you’re experiencing a new city, new friends and a loss of identity, everything can be a little scary. Four years ago I decided that I wanted to become someone new, someone would would appreciate the little things, go for walks on my own, enjoy life as it comes and not worry so much about whether or not I was supposed to be with someone or be somewhere else entirely. I found a new found sense of independence- and I haven’t been able to get enough of it! I’ve spent the last four years spoiling myself in Waterloo, living with some of my best friends in the world and experiencing the “university life”. University has taught me a lot of things- how to deconstruct an extensive passage from Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, how to properly cite multiple works in MLA, APA or Chicago formatting, how to cram twelve weeks of readings into just five or six handwritten notes and even how to function on little to zero sleep. But what I appreciate most in these four years is the lesson that life taught me- to try to find myself amongst so many other lost souls.. I am independent, which doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate being taken care of but what it does mean is that I don’t need someone to take care of me all the time. I think sometimes we settle for something or someone because we believe it’s necessary to be loved all the time but a large part of me believes that it’s difficult to be loved, if you don’t love yourself and who you are when you’re alone. These last four years have brought a lot of changes into my life, some for the better and some for the worse but everything that has happened has lead to me being where I am and for that I am eternally grateful.
I am thankful today. The rest of my day is dedicated to positive thinking and clear memories. I’m not going to dwell on the possibilities but instead focus on what is good right now and right here in my life. I sometimes tend to forget to appreciate who I am and why I am here. So for now I just want to float through day with a smile. It’s just one of those days.. with no direction or intention, but it doesn’t matter what I’m doing because today is going to be a good day. I can be whomever, whatever I want to be today. It’s my day. Make yours!
“Im the master of my own fate; I am the captain of my own soul”- William Ernest Henley
I want to be the author of my own story and I want to create a world that I can live in happily. For a long time I thought I was living in that type of place but this summer I did a lot of thinking on what it means to be happy. I found myself with more questions than answers: Are there rules to being happy, necessities maybe? Does being happy mean you’re constantly smiling? Or does it mean I wake up every day thankful to be alive? Is it the presence of people constantly around? To be wealthy? To be in love? There are many questions that deal with the matter of happiness, so much I don’t think I could list them without being an incredible bore but my conclusion is that in my short twenty-one years here I have no been able to pinpoint the recipe for happiness. Someone once told me that to be happy means that you don’t question your life, your friends or your decisions and this seems to be the crux of the matter because I question everything, twice. Does this make me despondent or realistic? I would consider myself more of a glass half full type of person but more often I find myself questioning the glass itself. Who determines that we must be either or? Can I not be both happy and sad at the same time without being scrutinized, can I manage to manoeuvre myself in this busy world while not being completely in one mindset or another? I have a lot of questions. I have a lot of thoughts and I had the notion that this might be the best place to answer them.. Perhaps I’ll be answering myself. Or maybe one day I’ll just know what the answer is. The world isn’t black or white.. I supppse that means I don’t have to be either happy or sad. I can just be myself in a world that’s not quite mine- yet.