What a ride…

2016. Wow. You certainly know how to sneak up on a girl.. I often feel like people over exaggerate New Years, we say we’re going to start fresh- find love, lose weight, connect with old friends and finally go for our dream job. But what does the New Year actually entail? A lot of disappointments, drunk texts and guilt trips when we “accidentally” forget our running shoes at home so we can’t make it to the gym today.

To be honest I’m at a point in my life where I’ve realized that just because it’s a New Year doesn’t mean I should wait until January 1 to start bettering myself. I hit the reset button all the time, I’ll promise to do better on my diet on Monday, or I’ll stop bringing my iPad to bed with me so I get a better sleep. My running shoes mock me all the way from the garage. I’m not perfect, I’ve got miles to go.

I’ve learned that in order to better myself, I can’t expect myself to be able to obtain everything on my goal list- at least right away. I work my butt off trying to get to whe I want to be and I let other things fall to the wayside in the meantime. I’ve decided to better myself but not because it’s a New Year but simply for the reason that I deserve my own attention. It’s my turn to focus on myself and let me be the best person I can be. It won’t be easy, it won’t be fast and I will have to recommit and reset often but I owe it to myself for all the years of self doubt and lack of confidence.

Wish me luck!  X

 

Advertisements

Hello 2014

I think it’s safe to say that it’s been a while friends.. I apologize for that. Not only do I apologize to you, but also to myself. I have a lot of pent up thoughts and I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t felt this way in a while- and that’s when it hit me. 
2013 was a fantastic year for me, I graduated with honours from university and got accepted into the teacher’s college of my choice. I found the love of my life and have already had so many good memories with the knowledge that there is so much more in store for us. Not only was 2013 a great year, but it was also a hard year family-wise.
It’s been hardest on my mother and probably even my brother but in October I watched the father I had known for over 3/4 of my life walk out on my family without even looking back. It’s hard knowing that there was something out there more important for him to search for when everything I thought he loved was at home with us. However, I am an adult- I understand that it is important to find happiness even if it is at another’s personal loss. Therefore I am happy that he is searching for his absolute happiness, yet I perceive his leaving as a personal insult no matter which way I look at it. I don’t say this looking for pity, or a pat on the back from friends or strangers but it is much easier to face these feelings in written word rather than spoken. 
I’ve always felt it is easiest to assert my feelings pen upon paper or fingers against a keyboard and already I’m finding solace in this posting. My belief is that no matter how you look at a personal circumstance, there will be a silver lining- not to say that it happened for a reason. I understand people’s want to believe that things happen for according reasons- but I just don’t buy it. Things happen at a moment’s notice- a touch, a glance between strangers is all that is needed to send the future reeling. I believe in choice. I think that you, yourself are the proponent of your future and that what you decide to do is what ultimately brings around your circumstances. I could make a decision I think will benefit me and it actually brings around a negative situation. That is life I think. I’m only 22 and I realize I don’t know a lot about the world. But if there is something I have learned in my short time on Earth is that people are the master’s of their own fate.. and that love is difficult. I’ve seen more failures in relationships than successes but I the way I look at it is I’ve been given more of a blessing than a curse. I could look at all the failures as a precedent for how my life will turn out, or I can take all the mistakes I’ve viewed and use them as safeguards in my own personal relationships. I know what it takes to ruin a relationship and I’ve seen the work that needs to go into one. 
2013 showed me who is important in my life, and who is there for me when I need them but most importantly who isn’t going to be there. I know that people grow and change, friends get forgotten and families struggle but I know who will be there when I fall. And I am very, very thankful for those who have helped pick me back up last year. 
So I say hello, 2014 because this year is sure to bring me struggles but after a year of ups and downs, I know exactly how to be prepared and who will stand next to me to help with the downfalls. Image

Valentines- A Little Late

What a sweet, sweet day. As a fellow single lady- you’d think I was being sarcastic. And yet I am completely serious. As I was walking around campus today I was surrounded by people who were head over heels in love, curiously seeking some sort of love or purposely denying the prospect of it. Either way, a day dedicated to love in such a world as we live in, is a pretty good thing in my books. Over thinking can be the death of you- take it from me, a girl who is perpetually scribbling thoughts on any kind of surface- just so I can sort out what’s going on in my head. Who’s to say that Valentine’s day is a bad day, yes there are millions of companies capitalizing on our own stupidity for buying extravagant gifts for those we care about, but how is that any different from Christmas, or Easter. People assume that you can only be happy on Valentines day if you’re in a relationship, on the verge of one or if you’re the girl who says “I don’t care, I’m happy being single because Valentines Day is a hoax”. These boundaries we create are unnecessary, I can be happy today because it’s a Thursday, I’m one day away from spending the weekend with my best friends, I’m hours away from attending a Yule Ball- which in my opinion is one of the coolest things I could do with my time. Optimists look at Valentines as a day to give or receive things, chocolates, candy, flowers- and pessimists look at it as another reminder of what they don’t have. Why must we be either? I’d like to consider myself an opportunist, because I’m going to make today as special as any other day. I’m a happy woman and I can make the best of any day, and an entire day dedicated to be loving towards each other is a definite benefit to mankind. Instead of dwelling on the astounding gifts you’re giving or receiving, on the fact that you may be perpetually alone, momentarily alone or opting to be alone- think of it as a day to practice humanity. Practice being human again, there’s not enough humanity left in our world, not enough real emotions and real people. If we all enthusiastically loved as hard as we try to do on this one day of the year, think of the love we could create- it would be incredible. And the day that this happens, will be a day when humanity becomes whole again and not broken off into categories of loved, unloved or loved and lost. Let’s love as much as we either try to do or try to deny on Valentines day, every day of the year and maybe then we can remember what the true point of this day and more importantly every day, is about. Happy Thursday humanity.

It’s Not Me, It’s You.

A lot of the time I think we put the blame onto others when we have problems. I mean look at our relationships- things don’t work out, people leave, or stop being who they were and maybe they become who they are, either way it doesn’t matter. Because it doesn’t always work out. We hear that line so often “it’s not you, it’s me” or “it wouldn’t matter if you were any other girl in the world, it’s just not the right time”. All of this is bullshit. It’s just a common courtesy so that we can feel better about ourselves for not wanting the same things. And all those times that we think we know what’s going on between ourselves and those we crave- we’re wrong. We spend some much time criticizing ourselves for whatever the fuck we did wrong- but we didn’t. I’ve come to the realization that maybe they don’t feel the way I want them to feel about me, but that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me- but rather there’s something wrong with the way I let them feel about me. No one can make me feel inferior or feel like I’m not enough to captivate their attention. If someone is going to want us, desire us or love us, it should be painstakingly evident. They should yearn for us, not every moment of every day- or maybe they should, either way I think it should be clear to both parties what exactly is going on. Do you ever wonder if you’re just not good ‘enough’ for that person in their mind? Maybe you’re right in the account that you shouldn’t be together- but the problem doesn’t lie with faults of your own, the crux of the matter is that you haven’t correctly identified what it is you need in a significant other. I have allowed myself to be loved by people who didn’t have any concern for my well being, I’ve been loved by someone who believed I was the best person in their world- there’s so many different kinds of love, and all of us carry a different brand. I for instance have the kind where I throw myself in with both feet, and this doesn’t always end well for me. I tend to get my heart broken and be viciously under-appreciated but I’ve decided that is just who I am. It’s not you, it’s me- and it’s me that deserves to have someone want me just as much as I want them.

Miss I N D E P E N D E N T

As I grow closer to the end of my time here in Waterloo, I find myself incredibly sentimental about the time I have spent here and all the different ways I have grown. I came here four years ago in love, happy and overall naive about where these years would take me. I’ve loved, lost and felt everything else in between during my years here but I am happy to say that I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I do believe that you cannot truly appreciate happiness until you’ve experienced the bittersweet pain of loss. Losing someone means that you have to start again, create a whole new identity and I have been incredibly fortunate to have such amazing friends around me that helped me through this process, during what feels like so many years ago. I was young- I am young still of course but when you’re experiencing a new city, new friends and a loss of identity, everything can be a little scary. Four years ago I decided that I wanted to become someone new, someone would would appreciate the little things, go for walks on my own, enjoy life as it comes and not worry so much about whether or not I was supposed to be with someone or be somewhere else entirely. I found a new found sense of independence- and I haven’t been able to get enough of it! I’ve spent the last four years spoiling myself in Waterloo, living with some of my best friends in the world and experiencing the “university life”. University has taught me a lot of things- how to deconstruct an extensive passage from Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, how to properly cite multiple works in MLA, APA or Chicago formatting, how to cram twelve weeks of readings into just five or six handwritten notes and even how to function on little to zero sleep. But what I appreciate most in these four years is the lesson that life taught me- to try to find myself amongst so many other lost souls.. I am independent, which doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate being taken care of but what it does mean is that I don’t need someone to take care of me all the time. I think sometimes we settle for something or someone because we believe it’s necessary to be loved all the time but a large part of me believes that it’s difficult to be loved, if you don’t love yourself and who you are when you’re alone. These last four years have brought a lot of changes into my life, some for the better and some for the worse but everything that has happened has lead to me being where I am and for that I am eternally grateful.